It’s the day after Christmas! I hope you had a good one, spending time with your family and celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ. Today I wanted to share (and expand upon) a conversation my wife and I had as we drove to my parents’ house yesterday. So without further ado, here are the TOP 6 CREEPIEST CHRISTMAS SONGS EVER.
6. Little Drummer Boy
I understand the spirit behind this song. It’s supposed to be about giving to Jesus whatever you have to give, so long as you give your best and give with a right heart. That’s all well and good. But there’s several things wrong with this song. For one, what kind of parents let a boy come bang on a drum in front of their newborn? It’s not only a little bit creepy that someone would think this appropriate, it’s just a little sadistic. Come on…let the kid nap! He’ll be scared of loud noises for the rest of his life. And at the end, you know how baby Jesus smiles at him? I’ve had newborns. I know the drill. There’s only one reason a newborn smiles, and it ain’t cause of some loud banging on a drum. It’s because he’s got gas. Time to change a diaper, that’s what that is.
5. Do You Hear What I Hear
Whoever wrote this one must have really been tripping on something illegal. I can’t take full credit for all of this because comedian Tim Hawkins does a bit about this song. Click his name to see the clip. There’s a couple of lyrics here that are extremely creepy. “Said the little lamb to the shepherd boy…” Um. I think that boy’s been out with the sheep too long. He’s talking to them? But that’s not the worst part. Check out the next verse. “…a child, a child, shivers in the cold. Let us bring him silver and gold.” Really? The child is shivering in the cold and all you can do is bring him money? Talk about heartless. These are the kinds of people I do not want around my children…people who talk to sheep and people who just throw money at problems instead of meeting needs. Add to that the drummer boy from above and you’ve got yourself a pretty awkward party. An ADHD kid, a schizophrenic shepherd, and a democrat.
4. Frosty the Snowman
The song itself is not as creepy as the story. In fact, the whole premise behind Frosty is so creepy that my wife has suggested I write a horror retelling. So picture this. A wannabe magician steels from his mentor a hat imbued with forbidden magic. Some kids get a hold of it, placing it on their snowman. The forbidden magic possesses the snowman, turning him into something dark and demonic. The snowman leads all the children out into the frozen wilderness to die. Meanwhile, the wannabe magician is the only one who knows the truth and desperately tries to save the children by getting back the hat. The climax comes when there’s a fight to the death inside a greenhouse. The magician gets the upper hand and traps the demon inside. As he melts away, Frosty cries out, “I’ll be back again someday!” That, of course, sets up the sequel. Frosty’s Revenge or something.
3. We Wish You a Merry Christmas
Oh look! A group of carolers have come to our door to sing a song! Let’s gather the family around to listen. All is well and good until…the mob starts making demands. “Oh, bring us some figgy pudding.” Um, what? “Oh, bring us some figgy pudding.” Are you serious? “Oh, bring us some figgy pudding and a cup of good cheer.” Okay, creeps. I think it’s time for you to go. “We won’t go until we get some.” Honey, take the children back inside. “We won’t go until we get some.” That’s enough. This isn’t funny. “We won’t go until we get some, so bring some out here.” Seriously, I’m calling the police. You need to leave right now.
2. Baby It’s Cold Outside
I’ve never understood why this song about Christmas date rape is so popular. Sure, the weather’s pretty bad, but this girl is desperate to get away. Why else would she be so insistent? But what does the guy do? He drugs her. Probably with something like GHB. Here’s the evidence. Obviously, they’ve had drinks already because she tells him, “Maybe just a half a drink more.” To which the guy replies, “Put some music on while I pour.” Do you know what the girl’s next line is? Do you? “Say, what’s in this drink?” Dude spiked her drink this time. Date rape. Her next lines collectively say, “I wish I knew how to break this spell.” And despite repeatedly telling the guy no, he continues to push himself on her. In summary, he never stops his physical advances while she tries to find the will power and energy to leave. But she can’t, because she was drugged near the beginning of the song. Talk about a very creepy song about a creepy guy.
1. Santa Claus is Coming to Town
I don’t think anyone would disagree with me about this being the creepiest Christmas song ever. Really, there’s no competition. This song is enough to give kids nightmares. Let’s revisit the lyrics, shall we? Just speak them out loud in your best stalker voice.
“You’d better watch out. You’d better not cry. You’d better not pout, I’m telling you why. Santa Claus is coming to town.” BWHAHAHAHAHA! <Creepy grin> “He sees you when you’re sleeping…he knows when you’re awake…”
That just sends cold shivers down my spine. This song turns Santa into the ultimate stalker. I think it might be best to lock all the windows and doors. Maybe a guard dog or two. Please keep this creeper away from my children.