Top 6 Creepiest Christmas Songs Ever

It’s the day after Christmas! I hope you had a good one, spending time with your family and celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ. Today I wanted to share (and expand upon) a conversation my wife and I had as we drove to my parents’ house yesterday. So without further ado, here are the TOP 6 CREEPIEST CHRISTMAS SONGS EVER.

6. Little Drummer Boy

I understand the spirit behind this song. It’s supposed to be about giving to Jesus whatever you have to give, so long as you give your best and give with a right heart. That’s all well and good. But there’s several things wrong with this song. For one, what kind of parents let a boy come bang on a drum in front of their newborn? It’s not only a little bit creepy that someone would think this appropriate, it’s just a little sadistic. Come on…let the kid nap! He’ll be scared of loud noises for the rest of his life. And at the end, you know how baby Jesus smiles at him? I’ve had newborns. I know the drill. There’s only one reason a newborn smiles, and it ain’t cause of some loud banging on a drum. It’s because he’s got gas. Time to change a diaper, that’s what that is.

5. Do You Hear What I Hear

Whoever wrote this one must have really been tripping on something illegal. I can’t take full credit for all of this because comedian Tim Hawkins does a bit about this song. Click his name to see the clip. There’s a couple of lyrics here that are extremely creepy. “Said the little lamb to the shepherd boy…” Um. I think that boy’s been out with the sheep too long. He’s talking to them? But that’s not the worst part. Check out the next verse. “…a child, a child, shivers in the cold. Let us bring him silver and gold.” Really? The child is shivering in the cold and all you can do is bring him money? Talk about heartless. These are the kinds of people I do not want around my children…people who talk to sheep and people who just throw money at problems instead of meeting needs. Add to that the drummer boy from above and you’ve got yourself a pretty awkward party. An ADHD kid, a schizophrenic shepherd, and a democrat.

4. Frosty the Snowman

The song itself is not as creepy as the story. In fact, the whole premise behind Frosty is so creepy that my wife has suggested I write a horror retelling. So picture this. A wannabe magician steels from his mentor a hat imbued with forbidden magic. Some kids get a hold of it, placing it on their snowman. The forbidden magic possesses the snowman, turning him into something dark and demonic. The snowman leads all the children out into the frozen wilderness to die. Meanwhile, the wannabe magician is the only one who knows the truth and desperately tries to save the children by getting back the hat. The climax comes when there’s a fight to the death inside a greenhouse. The magician gets the upper hand and traps the demon inside. As he melts away, Frosty cries out, “I’ll be back again someday!” That, of course, sets up the sequel. Frosty’s Revenge or something.

3. We Wish You a Merry Christmas

Oh look! A group of carolers have come to our door to sing a song! Let’s gather the family around to listen. All is well and good until…the mob starts making demands. “Oh, bring us some figgy pudding.” Um, what? “Oh, bring us some figgy pudding.” Are you serious? “Oh, bring us some figgy pudding and a cup of good cheer.” Okay, creeps. I think it’s time for you to go. “We won’t go until we get some.” Honey, take the children back inside. “We won’t go until we get some.” That’s enough. This isn’t funny. “We won’t go until we get some, so bring some out here.” Seriously, I’m calling the police. You need to leave right now.

2. Baby It’s Cold Outside

I’ve never understood why this song about Christmas date rape is so popular. Sure, the weather’s pretty bad, but this girl is desperate to get away. Why else would she be so insistent? But what does the guy do? He drugs her. Probably with something like GHB. Here’s the evidence. Obviously, they’ve had drinks already because she tells him, “Maybe just a half a drink more.”  To which the guy replies, “Put some music on while I pour.” Do you know what the girl’s next line is? Do you? “Say, what’s in this drink?” Dude spiked her drink this time. Date rape. Her next lines collectively say, “I wish I knew how to break this spell.” And despite repeatedly telling the guy no, he continues to push himself on her. In summary, he never stops his physical advances while she tries to find the will power and energy to leave. But she can’t, because she was drugged near the beginning of the song. Talk about a very creepy song about a creepy guy.

1. Santa Claus is Coming to Town

I don’t think anyone would  disagree with me about this being the creepiest Christmas song ever. Really, there’s no competition. This song is enough to give kids nightmares. Let’s revisit the lyrics, shall we? Just speak them out loud in your best stalker voice.

You’d better watch out. You’d better not cry. You’d better not pout, I’m telling you why. Santa Claus is coming to town.” BWHAHAHAHAHA! <Creepy grin> “He sees you when you’re sleeping…he knows when you’re awake…

That just sends cold shivers down my spine. This song turns Santa into the ultimate stalker. I think it might be best to lock all the windows and doors. Maybe a guard dog or two. Please keep this creeper away from my children.

-k

Advertisements

10 thoughts on “Top 6 Creepiest Christmas Songs Ever”

  1. Keven,
    HILARIOUS! I have one to add as well. “Walking in a Winter Wonderland” *He’ll say are you married, we’ll say no man, but you can do the job while your in town*…my husband and I were discussing this. 50 years ago, the lyrics were inappropriate so they made another version with a ‘circus clown’…today, minds still roam to the gutters and woner what the snowman is gonna do for them….I call this the school bus education. No matter how I try to shelter them, there is always the school bus!

    Plus, I feel you have a real winner with the Frosty and his revenge sequel. You should do that soon so that you can capitalize on the 48 versions that come after the 1st two. I mean how many Lampoon, Twilight, Freddy, & Chuckie movies have made millions!! Although, I will not be attending or reading, ya know, the whole, “scary and suspenseful stuff” my poor ticker can’t take. You should thank Stephen King for that for me when you meet him 😉
    Merry Christmas!!
    Jess

    1. That one might fall under the category of an anachronism because once upon a time there wasn’t a pastor on every corner, so often people waited to get married until the traveling pastor would be in town (at least that’s the way it was among many methodist communities since the pastor rotated around fairly frequently it wasn’t a huge issue, but “you can do the job while you’re in town” was a faster marriage than having to wait again.)

  2. While this isn’t a Christmas song, one of the creepiest songs for me is one that many churches sing – “He Touched Me.” Really Gaithers? Really churches? Can’t we just let this one drop off to the wayside?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s